I will die if light touches me.
we made out on top of his cat.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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