i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
