dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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