U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
