you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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