your thong is hanging out like whoa
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
