got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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