just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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