if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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