Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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