no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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