Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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