After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
