I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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