Can i not drive my cunt home
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
