Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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