No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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