too bad you live with your parents still
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
