I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
