she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize