how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
