She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
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