hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
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