My sheets look like a crime scene.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize