I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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