Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
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