areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
