I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Randomize
