I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
