Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
