There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
