I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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