This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize