the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
