mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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