he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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