you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
