I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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