why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
