so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
found the other keg... it's in the tree
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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