I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
