the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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