Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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