Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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