I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize
