dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Randomize
