my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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