You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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