guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Randomize