Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
