Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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