Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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