seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
