he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
