he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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