I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Green mimosas i think yes
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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