I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
