I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
