My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
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