At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
My penis needs a shock collar
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
